Taking Care of ME!

I have been kind of in a "funk" lately. Not really sure why or if there is one particular thing, but just feeling "blah"! I have a feeling it's just that time of year, time for a break and ready for winter to be over. My children, who I love very much, drive me crazy each and every day. They fight like cats and dogs most of the time and Ava is definitely experiencing the "terrible twos"! Dana continues to work hard like he always does - making money to continue to pay down bills, student loan debt, etc. etc. and I start to criticize that he "works too much"!!! WHAT??? Why am I complaining that my over-ambitious husband works too much? Most women would be happy to have a husband that likes to get things done. He cooks, cleans, fixes things around the house, organizes, takes care of the outside stuff, maintains our vehicles and fixes other people's cars for money! During a conversation the other day I started using words like "single mom" "stop working so much" "don't care about money", etc etc!! Yep, that's right! I was feeling sorry for myself (still am a little bit), not liking taking care of the kids by myself when he is working. Seems so much easier when both parents are home ALL the time! But, in reality, how often does this really happen? I know moms that stay home with their kids all day every day. But......I didn't choose that for myself and I would NEVER choose that for myself. I don't think that makes me a bad mom. I think I know myself and my children well enough to know that we would drive each other absolutely CRAZY if we were home alone all day every day! The few hours in the evenings and weekends are crazy enough! It is so much easier when we are all home together though. Dana and I can tag team - one does homework with Morgan while the other entertains Ava. One gives the baths while the other is cleaning the kitchen! That's I how I like it and that is how it works for ME! I have gotten a little selfish as I have gotten older and know that for me to be a better mom I need to think more about myself. I really have never done that. I am the parent that drops my kids off at daycare as late as possible and picks them up the minute I get off of work. They are my kids - I don't expect someone else to raise them. If I have errands to run or groceries to get, I still pick them up from daycare first. But.....things are going to change a tad! Something's gotta give and I need to start taking care of myself so I am better equipped to handle the "terrible twos" and the fighting like cats and dogs. So here's the deal - Morgan wants to participate in after school activities, which are offered 3x a week. That means she doesn't need to be picked up until 5:15 pm. Ava can stay at daycare until 5:00 pm. WOW! That is 3 days a week I have 1 hour all to myself! And......Dana is going to pick them up on Fridays so now I have 4 days! I am going to start swimming on Fridays after work. I love to swim, but never go. I go every night to watch Morgan, but never take time for myself. The other 3 days I will most likely walk on my treadmill or take a walk outside if it's warm enough! Last weekend, when I was in the middle of a mini meltdown, I went for a walk on short trail near my house that goes around a pond. It was almost as if I was "craving" that walk. I NEEDED to get outside and I knew exactly where I needed to go. It was about 20 degrees and my ears were FREEZING, but I felt so much better when I was finished. My mind was clear and I felt at peace. I NEED that more often. I NEED some quiet, peaceful, alone time. I have NEVER taken that time for myself - but I think ALL moms should do this. Find a way to take care of you, because if you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of your kids (or husband) the way they need to be taken care of.

Last weekend, another mom commented to me, "Nikki, you always seem to have everything all together. You are so organized and present yourself so well." My only reply was, "I am a mess on the inside!" She almost seemed relieved to know that I was just like the rest of the mom's out there! I am a mess most of the time! I might not show it, but I am! I guess I am only human! So now that I have gone on and on......I want to know - What do you do for yourself or how do you unwind?

Here are a couple photos that define what PEACE looks like to me and how I would like to spend my time unwinding if I ever have the chance! Right now I will have to settle for the pond down the street!

Skating Party

We had Morgan's skating party, yesterday, at the roller rink! The girls had a blast! This was the first time we had skated during regular skating hours. The other times we went during beginner skate. There were tons more kids there, games to play and several birthday parties going on. Our girls skated their hearts out (even the beginners), ate pizza & brownies, used their tokens to win prizes and drank pop. I thought 2 1/2 hours would be too long, but it actually went quite quick. Ava got a little grouchy since this all took place during nap time, but overall was a fun time! I wasn't able to capture the best photos because I took my little camera instead of my Canon. The lighting was horrible so most of the pictures didn't turn out, even with flash!

Here are the girls eating pizza and taking a break!

A few or Morgan's friends stopped to pose for the camera! I couldn't find a time that they were all together at the same time to get them all in a picture! They all kind of did their own thing and entertained themselves. That's my kind of party - no house cleaning and low stress!

Birthday Girl

Morgan turned 7 today! Happy Birthday sweet girl! I can't believe it's been 7 years since she entered this world! I feel so blessed to be her Mommy and can't wait to see how she grows over the next 7 years! For her birthday,this year, she got electronics! Grandma Sue got her the much desired Nintendo DS - all of her friends are doing it :-) Mommy & Daddy bought her games to go with it! Now she can be like her cousin Zoe! And, apparently if you know how to work it, I've been told you can actually play with your friends in different states???? I am technologically delayed when it comes to this stuff - guess we'll have to call Zoe and ask for her help! Or Uncle Jamie!

I let her pick out her cake. I chose to buy one for her after the disaster of a cake I made for Ava's birthday last month! Of course, Morgan is MY daughter and chose a chocolate fudge cake! It was YUMMY!

Her friend party is this weekend at the roller rink! Should be fun! My wish for her this year is lots of love, happiness and friendship! May all of her wishes come true!

Swim layout

Thinking of Avery

For those of you who have followed my blog, you probably already know Avery. You know that she is my dear friend, Lisa's, daughter and you know that she has Tuberous Sclerosis. You may also know that she had brain surgery as an infant. What you probably don't know is that this beautiful girl suffers from daily seizures and "fussiness". She bangs her head and has meltdowns for no apparent reason except that she is miserable. She never seems to get a break. I LOVE this little girl (and her big sister and Mommy and Daddy)! She absolutely melts my heart. I have had the opportunity to be her teacher and now friend. Yesterday, Lisa called me to see if I would help out by watching Avery for a little bit while her and Britton went to Kaylen's parent teacher conference. Of course I agreed, because I need to get my Avery "fix" every now and then. About 45 minutes before I was planned to go to her house, Lisa called and said that they changed their mind and she was going to the conference alone while Britton stayed with Avery. She had had a horrible afternoon, was fussy, crying, vomiting, inconsolable. I didn't think much of it because lately she has been having lots of days like this. Three hours later I got another phone call from Lisa. When I answered the phone Lisa greeted me like she always does, "What are you doing?" Me, "Not much.....trying to download digital layouts. What are you doing?" After that question the conversation was a blur. Lisa continued to tell me they were on their way to Children's Mercy to the ER for a CT scan. Avery had gotten worse as the day went on, had lost consciousness a couple times and continued to vomit. What can I do? What can I say? I cry, I tell her to call me if I can do anything and to keep me posted. I stay up waiting for that call that everything is okay. I feel helpless. But it's not about me. I know how I felt at that moment - now imagine being her Mommy or Daddy.

I think about that conversation - what are you doing? I'm sitting at my computer, ignoring my children because they are driving me crazy, downloading scrapbooking stuff on the Internet. What are you doing? Taking your baby to the hospital trying to get answers as to why she is so miserable. What am I doing tomorrow? Taking my daughter to a swim meet and a play. What are you doing? Staying home with Avery, trying to keep her happy and safe, keeping her occupied and probably making lists, phone calls and plans for her upcoming trip to UCLA for a surgical consult. Maybe someone will have answers AND a solution. What am I doing next week? Picking up Girl Scout cookies, taking Morgan swimming, working, getting frustrated at my kids because they are arguing, not picking up, leaving their shoes all over the place, the list goes on and on. What should I be doing? Hugging and loving my girls and not taking their health for granted. I should be sitting on the floor and playing with them every chance I get.

What is Lisa thinking about when she gets my frantic phone message this morning because I still hadn't heard how Avery was??? She was sorry that she hadn't called me and it must be difficult being her friend. They got home at 5:30 in the morning and hadn't answered the phone because they were sleeping. They didn't get any real answers as to why Avery had such a rotten day!

I can say that I am absolutely blessed to be Lisa's friend and to have had the opportunity to be a part of Avery's life. Is it difficult? No - it's not difficult being her friend or being a part of Avery's life, but it is difficult walking the unknown journey with them. I tend to be a "fixer" and I can't fix this and I can't make things better. I have a hard time sitting by the phone and doing nothing. So what can I do when her Mommy and Daddy are driving her to the ER in the middle of the night? Offer my support and pray (and cry) and pray some more. And I can ask the rest of you to do the same. Please say a little prayer for Avery and her family tonight. Pray for some relief and some much needed answers. Think about your own babies and hug them a little tighter and don't take them for granted. And know that when you are my friend I am in it for the long haul no matter what the journey is.

Another layout

I did this one all by myself! The first 3 were pretty much done for me with the exception of adding the photos and journaling. I'm not sure this is my favorite layout ever, but not too bad for doing it alone!

Layout 3

If you haven't jumped on the digi bandwagon you really need to try it! I am having so much FUN!

Layout 2

This layout was pretty easy! The layout was done for me - I just had to add the photo, convert to b/w and add the journaling block. I was able to practice what I learned in the first lesson and also learn how to convert to b/w using Photoshop. It's not a simple click of a button like in other programs I have used!!

Learning Photoshop

Many of you who know me well, know that I love to scrapbook! I also love photography. If had to choose one over the other I would have to choose photography in a heartbeat! Photography is my outlet, my stress reliever, my artistic side. Since Ava was born 2 years ago I have only scrapbooked a handful of times. Not nearly enough to stay caught up on all the photos I take. I just don't have the time or the space anymore. And when I drag out all of those beautiful, shiny, sparkly embellishments and beautiful pattern papers, Morgan wants to join me. I don't mind having her work with me, but what happens is I end up with about a foot of space from our 5 foot table and she has the rest! Because I consider myself a photographer (amateur) I decided it was time to learn Photoshop and because I am a scrapbooker I decided I could kill 2 birds with one stone! So tonight I took the leap! I joined a class by Jessica Sprague called "Up and Running with Photoshop" to teach me how to scrapbook digitally and in the process learn how to use all that Photoshop has to offer. I have played with Photoshop before only to become overwhelmed with all its complicated tools, layers, filters, etc. etc., so have not stayed with it. This step by step class is exactly what I needed. I have completed my first lesson/layout and am happy with what I have learned. It was pretty basic, but with each lesson I will learn more. I am excited to dive in to this class and hopefully come out knowing more about digital scrapbooking and be able to apply my new knowledge to my photography!

Rollerskating

When I was a kid I remember rollerskating every weekend. I loved it! I was a little sad the day I found out they were tearing down the old roller rink from my home town. Now that I have kids of my own I have the chance to take a trip down memory lane and give them some of the same experiences I had as a kid. Morgan started skating about a year ago, but only went a handful of times and was horrible! Well.....she wanted roller skates for Christmas this year and is having her birthday party at the roller rink in a couple weeks, so we have been practicing. She is actually doing quite well. We took her friend, Kaylen, with us yesterday and she struggled just as Morgan did her first time. But, it's kind of like riding a bike, once you can do it well you don't forget. I have even been on skates with the girls and do quite well. I haven't fallen yet! :-) We took Ava with us for the first time last weekend and put her in a pair of toddler skates. Daddy helped her for a little bit, but then she wanted to do it herself. She was such a trooper. She would fall, but kept getting back up!